I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
This is the one
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look