Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
You Might Also Like
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜