We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes