I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.