I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes