uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
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If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
O Wise One….
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds