Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Bike for sale
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Breaking news:
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!