[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings