[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything