Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
It do be feeling this way.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.