My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.