I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.