Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”