As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
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Nomnomnomnom
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️