Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
A family that plays together cheats.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.