debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*