difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
🤣
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe