Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right