Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?