doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997