I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
finally
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I think they could have phrased this better
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths