I’m dying louder than usual today.
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.