Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
also my go-to takeaway order
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.