Mornin
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
#CoronaOutbreak
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
selfie game
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.