The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”