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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
yeah not falling for this one
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!