Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
a badder mouse
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.