Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Miscakes
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
this has to be peak English
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha