In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
You Might Also Like
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Follow me for more life hacks.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.