Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole