Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars