my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME