“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
You Might Also Like
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.