my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
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My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.