[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I鈥檓 not fat. Just retaining cookies.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that鈥檚 not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald鈥檚.
Me: I鈥檓 not buying McDonald鈥檚. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 馃檮
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I鈥檓 just on my own I鈥檓 pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I鈥檓 pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I鈥檓 often found with chips
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don鈥檛 they just steal the stuff?
She鈥檚 a criminal mastermind.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes