A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?