Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
You Might Also Like
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.