I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
You Might Also Like
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.