* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Sell your car
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
So inspired right now.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.