Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN