Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
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I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I never needed anything more in my life
thank god
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.