I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Worth remembering.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Yes
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.