My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
What kind of a cult is this?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.