“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
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“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Girl, same.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.