Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My Sentiments Exactly
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.