Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
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Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!