one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
this is the best day of my life
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”