just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”