It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Are you ok, human???
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.