Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
You Might Also Like
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.